My birthday is in a few days and all I feel is stressed out. I shouldn’t though right? It’s a time for celebration and the joyous moment that I am one year older. In reality, it scares the shit out of me. I thought I was being bothered by problems surrounding my birthday and school but I guess it’s a bit of everything. Majority is just me being afraid of the number 20. I feel…almost depressed. Hence my previous post. I haven’t felt happy in a long while, and I don’t know how to express myself. I have not and I also think I’m past the point of wallowing myself in tears because it gets me nowhere. But I do think I am in need of it. Why though…is what is confusing me. Why do I feel like I need to cry it out or even feel sad at all. My fear…revolves around my idea of being 20. I am no where near what I wanted or thought I would be at age 20. It doesn’t help when I always hear words of encouragement such as “No one knows what they want to be at your age” or “Take your time, it’s your life” because it fails to relief my fear of my future. It’s nice to have caring parents but what’s there to care if they do not understand my situation at all. Or that even telling them to their face that what they say to me worries me about my life even more. Yet, they continue to talk and now I have a short fuse when it comes to these situations and they call me disrespectful, bad daughter and any more names they can throw. It’s hard but…I feel they’re disrespecting me and my decisions and it shows they do not trust me with my own future… What can I do with myself knowing my support system isn’t supporting me at all? Other than my parents…all my fears lies within me. I’m not one to usually show my emotions, but I felt this was the best way for me to express myself. I don’t feel like talking to any one in particular so addressing to the public where some may or may not care. Ahh school. School is school. Currently waitlisted for a summer course and I’m first but it doesn’t guarantee me anything…of course it’s just another tack to add to my wall of stress. If I don’t get in, I’ll have to deal, yet again, and so will my parents. All in all…I just want to be happy. I just don’t know where to start to get out of my misery.
when I am no one near happy myself.
Whoa, I just saw your post. That shit is indeed cray!! Haha :)
Birthday present to myself! Or someone can get it for me, I’ll love them to death, just sayin’. :)
Peek-a-boo! Gao Gao at the San Diego Zoo on April 8, 2012.
© Rita Petita.
Twin giant panda cubs in a bamboo grove at the Wolong Panda Reserve, Sichuan, China.
© Explore.org.
(via pandaforme)
